Black Bag

“Oh, I don’t think there’s anything in that black bag for me.”

Dorothy to the Wizard

Nearly all my life I have lived in fear of and capitulation to some form of hierarchal power: family, peer groups, teachers, the male gaze*, credentialized validation, spiritual authority.

Herded into a world fore -grounded by threats of punishment and hope for rewards, I became a mostly unwilling participant in the process of exposition, exhibition, and evaluation of myself in order to comply with real or imagined demand for proof that I was good enough.

It sure seemed like something out there was claiming to know what I needed to do, and if I followed it, I would finally get access to whatever it was that I felt separated from: validation, protection, understanding, security, even happiness and love. It is not an exaggeration to say that this caused me to beg for my life, constantly. Alternately, I was angry at my incessant need to do this, so periodically, I rebelled in earnest. But this did not help either, as it was still devotion to the same thing.

A couple of countless eons of suffering later, it became clear to me that this top-down model supported personal disempowerment. As an adult, I experienced this as a subtle, persistent kind of pleading that actually took many socially acceptable forms. I secretly pleaded with any number of institutional, cultural, social, political, philosophical, ideological and spiritual authorities for validation that I was okay. Later, it was more of a kind of plea for permission to decide for myself what it is that I value and what it is that I do not need to entertain. I also wanted freedom from the fear of being punished for free thinking, but I wanted that freedom to be granted by “them!”

Psychologically, this is known as “projection” and it is one of the most maddening things in the world to endure, especially when you know it is happening, and still feel helpless to “get back” what you feel separated from. Projection does not only serve the need to deny negative traits, but also, wisdom, power and authority are commonly projected as well.

Relying on external authorities, be they tyrannical or benevolent, as the way to measure personal worth never allowed me a moment’s rest from the endless scrutiny of my thoughts feelings and actions.

Most certainly, I am not discarding the sources I have benefitted so greatly from in my vast search for wisdom. I am also not adapting yet another outlook. It is not about looking out at all. Simply, I have found that it is safe to rely on myself - it is natural, it is sane, and it is paradoxically rooted in an understanding and appreciation of interdependence and relationship with everyone and everything else.

There is an old Tibetan saying which speaks to the futility of efforts to control circumstances in order to be protected and safe: You can try to cover the world in leather, or you can put shoes on your own feet. I would also add to that: May all your shoes be ruby slippers.